The Extended Nest

Most parents can attest to the many difficulties that come with raising children. There are a myriad of situations that require consistent, creative parenting and they begin with the very first breath of your child. The excitement of the newborn often comes with loads of anxiety when it is time to leave the hospital. There is the learning of a somewhat new schedule when the infant takes up residence in the house. Then come the late nights, diapers, feedings, baths, bottle preparation, car seat maneuvers, and all other sorts of changes both expected and unexpected.

Over the years, the family adapts to the different life stages as the child develops, matures, and faces head-on the new challenges along the way. These stages have varying levels of difficulty, and both the parents and child must learn to handle them with a modicum of care. This process is an equal opportunity endeavor between parent and child that involves growing, developing, maturing, discipline, training, and loving. There are usually no shortages of mistakes along the way by parents and children alike. The challenges for everyone involved only increase as the child grows older and faces heavier, more important steps in the process.

The question at hand involves what I believe to be one of the most arduous of all levels in the child rearing process. Yes, this one is even more difficult than 3 a.m. feedings, potty-training, temper tantrums, school work, and dating. It's the step in the process when Mom and Dad must let go of their baby. The majority of their parenting job is complete and they are faced with caring just as much as they ever have, but having to parent from a distance. Depending on where the child moves to take this next big step of independence, that distance can be quite unsettling for the parent. It might also be a little unsettling to the child, but they usually try not to let it show.

So, what is the big question regarding this period in the parent/child relationship? Well, just how far should the nest extend? More specifically, how should parents view their role during this time? Are they still responsible for their adult children? Do they simply let their children make every decision they face and just continue to pray for them and hope things turn out fine? How long should they contribute financially to their child who is charging full speed into adulthood? If there is a continued financial commitment, should it be without parental guidance attached?

In Christian circles, the role of parents in the lives of their children is not often debated or questioned. The Bible has plenty to say regarding the responsibility of the parents to lead and train their children. When that child becomes an adult, the questions begin to arise quickly. After all, in most countries of the world, children are considered adults much earlier now than at any other time in history. So, if the world tells us that our children are now adults, who are we to interfere with their lives? Many young adults have used that very argument with their parents upon graduating high school or turning eighteen.

The Bible never gives parents a stamp of completion when it comes to raising their children (Deuteronomy 6:2, Ephesians 6:4). Equally, while children do grow and mature, the instruction for them to obey and honor their parents does not include an end point (Ephesians 6:1-3, Exodus 20:12, Colossians 3:20). What does happen, however, is that the continual "do this/don't do that" leadership of the parents is less necessary as the child ages. Slowly, the parent is to teach and give independence to help prepare the child for adulthood. The process gets complicated when parents and children disagree on the amount or type of independence granted them.

However that happens, the role of parents in the lives of their children ends only in death. Until such time that the parents die or become unable to give clear instruction, the roles remain the same positionally. Parents are still responsible to God for the lives of their children. That doesn't mean that they will answer for every decision made by their children, but it doesn mean that the leadership of the parents is always supposed to have a respected place in the lives of the children.

Most importantly, this must be understood when it comes to sin issues. The areas and stages of life that come down to simple preferences are where the parents of young adults will need to allow freedom without intervention. However, when there are sinful choices or lifestyles at play, the parents' responsibilities do not change. The often cited idea of letting go and, "We've done our part. Now they're on their own," is not based on biblical principles. Rather, it can be a sign of selfishness on the part of the parent. It's much easier to stay out of the adult child's life and simply focus on their own lives. After all, the parents have worked long and hard to get back to the point of not having children that need them and depend on them. They are ready to enjoy the life they've built and further responsibility to their children can be seen as a cramp to their lifestyle.

God's Word is clear, and for parents to ignore sin issues in the lives of their adult children is a sin of omission on their part. Not only will the children potentially continue in their sin, with devastating results, but the parents will also be living with sinful choices. Remember, God never promised that parenting would be easy. However, He did promise that children raised in the nurture and admonition of the Lord would bring joy. Parents must stay strong and vigilant while bringing consistent leadership to their families.

Transformed Parenting

Have you heard the current, popular news regarding the behavior of children? Apparently, it's much more simple than parents have thought.  A recent radio ad promoted a program aimed at children's behavioral problems.  I've heard the radio spot numerous times and have since checked out the information contained on the website.  One of the most surprising quotes heard on the radio and also listed on the website includes the idea that there is a guaranteed way to change a child's attitude in one minute or less.

This program might be different than others in some aspects, but one thing remains the same. That one thing is the selling of a quick-fix idea.  It is another program marketed to desperate parents who are hoping against hope that their youngster can be transformed and his behavior radically changed. Often, a program like this is a last ditch effort for the parents who are nearing the end of their ropes.

Many of the parents looking for this kind of transformation in their children's behavior have waited very late in the game. When children are young (approximately the 1-5 year range) out-of-control behavior is passed off as being normal for young children.  Many behavioral actions are considered cute and funny until the child begins to really become an annoyance for the parents. Once the parents are continually embarrassed in public settings, they decide it is time to do something about it. The more troubling scenarios are when the parents wait much later and have teenage children who are practically untouchable due to the years of failed parenting patterns.

The truth is that there are no quick-fix programs in existence that can guarantee any results. There is also no concrete promise of how long it will take to train a child or to even transform a child's attitude with behavioral problems. However, there are parenting tools and guidelines that can greatly assist parents in the raising and training of their children.

Let's start out with some of the basic fundamentals.

1. Be A Good Example

Children come into this world knowing very little and learning everything from watching people and things around them. You've heard it said that children become their parents. That is true whether for better or worse. What are you showing them? The parents will be the map that shows young children the direction in which they are to go.

2. Consistency Breeds Confidence

When a young child is growing and learning, he is searching for boundaries. He doesn't know that's what he is doing, but he is. It is the job of parents to make sure he clearly understands where those are. Then, when the boundaries are crossed, there must be definite and consistent consequences. The consistency here is the sole responsibility of the parents. An atmosphere of consistency will build a strong sense of confidence in the child that will help him make decisions.

3. Loving Discipline

Most people have experienced the uncomfortable setting when a parent is yelling in anger at a child due to some sort of behavior issue whether in word or deed. At this point in the child's life, nothing profitable is being learned. Instead, the child is simply experiencing the wrath of a parents that he thinks is due to his actions. When correction and instruction is needed in the child's life (because those boundaries have been crossed) the parents must check themselves first and be able to administer the much needed discipline with love. Also, there can be no misunderstanding in this area. A loving parent is not the one who lets the child do whatever and behave however he wants. True love between parent and child includes consistent, loving discipline when it is warranted.

4. Time Teaches, Begin Early

There is no substitute for the time spent between parent and child. If there was a quick-fix solution for behavioral issues of young children, everyone would have subscribed and there would no longer be any problems. To raise and train a child takes time, time, and more time. That being the case, parents must begin in the earliest of stages. It's not just when those beautiful babies begin moving around. It's much earlier that the child begins searching for those boundaries. The earlier the parents will begin the training process, the better off they and the child will be. Remember this- a teenager who is responsible, respectful, and a joy to be around is not an accident. He is a result of a loving and nurturing childhood full of consistent training.