A Dad's Heart

     Our last vacation found us camping at a state park in Texas. It has been an annual event for us over the last several years. In the spring, we set out with our good friends, all the necessary gear, and plenty of food. We enjoy all sorts of outdoor activities, but especially love the fire pit at night.

     One of the activities that everyone enjoys is biking. Everyone has his or her own bike to ride in and around the park. With little exaggeration, every spare minute seems to find someone jumping on a bike and heading off for a trail. You can probably imagine that there have been a number of accidents along the way varying from the nearly tragic to the customary scrapes and bruises.

     My wife was the accident victim this particular trip. On a seemingly simple ride over a familiar stretch of smooth, paved road, she took a mighty tumble. Due to the fickle and quickly changing Texas springtime weather, a jacket is often employed. While biking, my wife's jacket was removed and secured to the bike. In the blink of an eye, with the jacket caught in the front wheel, my wife found herself catapulted towards the road face first. The sight of the fall and the apparent injury was extremely distressing to our daughter.

     Seeing "Mom" on the ground, coupled with a badly skinned up arm was almost more than she could handle as a youngster. The overwhelming emotion she experienced and displayed reminded me of my own heart and its similar hurts in the past.

     You see, dads are not always as strong as they try to act. Strength and leadership are important parts of daddying, but sometimes those are compromised when it comes to our children. My daughter's hurt vividly reminded me of just that. Upon seeing my daughter's tear-filled eyes, I immediately remembered a couple of instances where I had similar reactions.

     Once my two year old son had a friend over and they were playing together with toys in his room. A glance to his room saw this friend sitting atop my son and beating him with a toy as he lay there face down on the floor and crying. Another time also involved my son. He was no more than three or four years old. As he was again playing with friends, an older boy (about seven) hit him with a baseball bat. While it was a toy, plastic bat, I had walked outside just in time to see this boy take a huge swing and hit my son right in the stomach. My son fell to the ground and tried to catch his breath.

     What was I, "Super Dad", feeling at both of those times? While I had to deal with my immediate anger, other emotions took over quickly. I felt just like my daughter when she saw her mother...helpless. My heart jumped into my throat. It was almost as though I was the one who had been hit. I hurt because my son hurt. And, I wanted to protect them from something that had already happened.

     It was (and always is) a miserable feeling of helplessness. I can remember each time like it was just yesterday. My mind's eye can see it unfolding afresh and anew as I think about it. The truth is, my eyes get a little watery and my heart hurts all over again.

     That's what a dad's goes through. As the protector, he's often reminded of the fact that he cannot always protect the way he would like. At those times, his heart shows its tender side and it helps him identify with his daughter's heart.

The Extended Nest

Most parents can attest to the many difficulties that come with raising children. There are a myriad of situations that require consistent, creative parenting and they begin with the very first breath of your child. The excitement of the newborn often comes with loads of anxiety when it is time to leave the hospital. There is the learning of a somewhat new schedule when the infant takes up residence in the house. Then come the late nights, diapers, feedings, baths, bottle preparation, car seat maneuvers, and all other sorts of changes both expected and unexpected.

Over the years, the family adapts to the different life stages as the child develops, matures, and faces head-on the new challenges along the way. These stages have varying levels of difficulty, and both the parents and child must learn to handle them with a modicum of care. This process is an equal opportunity endeavor between parent and child that involves growing, developing, maturing, discipline, training, and loving. There are usually no shortages of mistakes along the way by parents and children alike. The challenges for everyone involved only increase as the child grows older and faces heavier, more important steps in the process.

The question at hand involves what I believe to be one of the most arduous of all levels in the child rearing process. Yes, this one is even more difficult than 3 a.m. feedings, potty-training, temper tantrums, school work, and dating. It's the step in the process when Mom and Dad must let go of their baby. The majority of their parenting job is complete and they are faced with caring just as much as they ever have, but having to parent from a distance. Depending on where the child moves to take this next big step of independence, that distance can be quite unsettling for the parent. It might also be a little unsettling to the child, but they usually try not to let it show.

So, what is the big question regarding this period in the parent/child relationship? Well, just how far should the nest extend? More specifically, how should parents view their role during this time? Are they still responsible for their adult children? Do they simply let their children make every decision they face and just continue to pray for them and hope things turn out fine? How long should they contribute financially to their child who is charging full speed into adulthood? If there is a continued financial commitment, should it be without parental guidance attached?

In Christian circles, the role of parents in the lives of their children is not often debated or questioned. The Bible has plenty to say regarding the responsibility of the parents to lead and train their children. When that child becomes an adult, the questions begin to arise quickly. After all, in most countries of the world, children are considered adults much earlier now than at any other time in history. So, if the world tells us that our children are now adults, who are we to interfere with their lives? Many young adults have used that very argument with their parents upon graduating high school or turning eighteen.

The Bible never gives parents a stamp of completion when it comes to raising their children (Deuteronomy 6:2, Ephesians 6:4). Equally, while children do grow and mature, the instruction for them to obey and honor their parents does not include an end point (Ephesians 6:1-3, Exodus 20:12, Colossians 3:20). What does happen, however, is that the continual "do this/don't do that" leadership of the parents is less necessary as the child ages. Slowly, the parent is to teach and give independence to help prepare the child for adulthood. The process gets complicated when parents and children disagree on the amount or type of independence granted them.

However that happens, the role of parents in the lives of their children ends only in death. Until such time that the parents die or become unable to give clear instruction, the roles remain the same positionally. Parents are still responsible to God for the lives of their children. That doesn't mean that they will answer for every decision made by their children, but it doesn mean that the leadership of the parents is always supposed to have a respected place in the lives of the children.

Most importantly, this must be understood when it comes to sin issues. The areas and stages of life that come down to simple preferences are where the parents of young adults will need to allow freedom without intervention. However, when there are sinful choices or lifestyles at play, the parents' responsibilities do not change. The often cited idea of letting go and, "We've done our part. Now they're on their own," is not based on biblical principles. Rather, it can be a sign of selfishness on the part of the parent. It's much easier to stay out of the adult child's life and simply focus on their own lives. After all, the parents have worked long and hard to get back to the point of not having children that need them and depend on them. They are ready to enjoy the life they've built and further responsibility to their children can be seen as a cramp to their lifestyle.

God's Word is clear, and for parents to ignore sin issues in the lives of their adult children is a sin of omission on their part. Not only will the children potentially continue in their sin, with devastating results, but the parents will also be living with sinful choices. Remember, God never promised that parenting would be easy. However, He did promise that children raised in the nurture and admonition of the Lord would bring joy. Parents must stay strong and vigilant while bringing consistent leadership to their families.

Transformed Parenting

Have you heard the current, popular news regarding the behavior of children? Apparently, it's much more simple than parents have thought.  A recent radio ad promoted a program aimed at children's behavioral problems.  I've heard the radio spot numerous times and have since checked out the information contained on the website.  One of the most surprising quotes heard on the radio and also listed on the website includes the idea that there is a guaranteed way to change a child's attitude in one minute or less.

This program might be different than others in some aspects, but one thing remains the same. That one thing is the selling of a quick-fix idea.  It is another program marketed to desperate parents who are hoping against hope that their youngster can be transformed and his behavior radically changed. Often, a program like this is a last ditch effort for the parents who are nearing the end of their ropes.

Many of the parents looking for this kind of transformation in their children's behavior have waited very late in the game. When children are young (approximately the 1-5 year range) out-of-control behavior is passed off as being normal for young children.  Many behavioral actions are considered cute and funny until the child begins to really become an annoyance for the parents. Once the parents are continually embarrassed in public settings, they decide it is time to do something about it. The more troubling scenarios are when the parents wait much later and have teenage children who are practically untouchable due to the years of failed parenting patterns.

The truth is that there are no quick-fix programs in existence that can guarantee any results. There is also no concrete promise of how long it will take to train a child or to even transform a child's attitude with behavioral problems. However, there are parenting tools and guidelines that can greatly assist parents in the raising and training of their children.

Let's start out with some of the basic fundamentals.

1. Be A Good Example

Children come into this world knowing very little and learning everything from watching people and things around them. You've heard it said that children become their parents. That is true whether for better or worse. What are you showing them? The parents will be the map that shows young children the direction in which they are to go.

2. Consistency Breeds Confidence

When a young child is growing and learning, he is searching for boundaries. He doesn't know that's what he is doing, but he is. It is the job of parents to make sure he clearly understands where those are. Then, when the boundaries are crossed, there must be definite and consistent consequences. The consistency here is the sole responsibility of the parents. An atmosphere of consistency will build a strong sense of confidence in the child that will help him make decisions.

3. Loving Discipline

Most people have experienced the uncomfortable setting when a parent is yelling in anger at a child due to some sort of behavior issue whether in word or deed. At this point in the child's life, nothing profitable is being learned. Instead, the child is simply experiencing the wrath of a parents that he thinks is due to his actions. When correction and instruction is needed in the child's life (because those boundaries have been crossed) the parents must check themselves first and be able to administer the much needed discipline with love. Also, there can be no misunderstanding in this area. A loving parent is not the one who lets the child do whatever and behave however he wants. True love between parent and child includes consistent, loving discipline when it is warranted.

4. Time Teaches, Begin Early

There is no substitute for the time spent between parent and child. If there was a quick-fix solution for behavioral issues of young children, everyone would have subscribed and there would no longer be any problems. To raise and train a child takes time, time, and more time. That being the case, parents must begin in the earliest of stages. It's not just when those beautiful babies begin moving around. It's much earlier that the child begins searching for those boundaries. The earlier the parents will begin the training process, the better off they and the child will be. Remember this- a teenager who is responsible, respectful, and a joy to be around is not an accident. He is a result of a loving and nurturing childhood full of consistent training.

I don't have a TEENAGER?!?

Well, at least I don't have one at this very moment. I can officially use that statement for another few days and I will make sure to remind myself of that fact every last waking moment. "I do not have a teenager!" "I do not have a teenager!" It's hard to even think about, because all those parents who do have teenagers are old people. That is exactly what I used to think. However, I'm not real crazy about that thought at this moment. Those parents aren't old in my eyes now. They're just not as young as they once were. That's all.

If you ever desire to feel a little sad and potentially have your eyes well up with tears, just sit back and contemplate the life of your "almost" teenager.  Think back and remember when he reached all of those "firsts" in his life.  You know, his first word, first step, first doctor's visit, first best friend, first injury, first crush, first trip away from home, etc. I remember vividly the morning my wife and I were on our way to the hospital to welcome our first child into the world. It had been a long wait and we were extremely pumped to see and hold this precious gift. Of course, we had to stop at the convenience store on the way to get some snacks, but we were excited. We also decided on his name as we were in route to the hospital. It was a very special time for us.

Through the years, I would still hold my son and show him how I used to cradle him when he was a baby. Needless to say, I'm no longer doing that. Instead of seeing the little baby we brought home from the hospital nearly thirteen years ago, now I am seeing a young man. I've been seeing this young man in the making for a good two years now. The learning, growing, and maturing has been so exciting to watch. While I still can remember the younger years of my son's life, more of my time is spent focusing on what he is still to become. 

Becoming a man is way more than simply aging. Many boys are successful at growing older, but fewer learn the lessons and necessary wisdom to become a man. Although he hasn't achieved everything pertinent to manhood, my son has definitely taken important steps in that direction. It's very difficult for me to clearly articulate just how proud of him I am. As he begins this journey into the teenage years, I equally recognize the potential he has and challenges he'll have to face. 

Recognizing these things, I am filled with a strong sense of brazenness and commitment to be the father he needs each and every step of the way. How can he be expected to be the man he needs to be without a dad who is the man he needs to be? It's definitely going to be interesting and exciting as the next few years unfold. Again, I'm completely overjoyed to be the father of my son!

Strong Yet Sensitive

"Babies do not come with an instruction manual when you bring them home from the hospital!"
That is a familiar and popular saying among parents. It often holds within it fear, amazement, frustration, and even wonder. It has to be pointed out, however, that if it was left to the fathers, the nice, simple, clearly written instruction manual would probably never be opened if it did exist.

Men are notorious for striking out alone, as if on a personal adventure journey when it comes to accomplishing a task. They have a drive that can also be multiplied if somewhere along the way the task is presented to him as a personal challenge. It has to be a natural occurrence in men, because the culture, age, upbringing, wealth, etc. never matters. Men like to go it alone and get to the desired result in their own time and their own way...regardless of how long it takes or how many avoidable mistakes are made along the way. Major missteps and casualties along the way are viewed only as parts of the process. As if in total indifference the man can stand over the top of the huge mess he has made and claim victory because the final objective has been achieved.

That might be all well and good when it comes to putting a bike, bookshelf, or doll house together. A broken part here and a trip to the store there is not a real big deal. However, it can prove most destructive when applied to raising children. The little child who is constantly learning from all stimuli cannot be treated like shelf "A" and hinge "C". There are very impressionable learning stages all along the way and the child is a responder, unlike the inanimate pieces of the many other projects in life.

Dads must be especially careful when dealing with their children. The male voice alone can be an overwhelming thing for young children. Add to that a confident, strong attitude that is often present and the child can be easily frightened. At that point, the only learning going on is a fear or at least uneasiness with Dad.

In the earliest stages of development the child only sees a different person who is much bigger. As growth and maturity continues, they begin to acknowledge that this big person is their father, and the child should be ready to trust and respect. The dependency on and importance of that trust and respect grows as the child ages. If fear has been learned instead, there is a better chance for real relationship issues between father and child.

That fear takes the place of trust and respect, but only early on in the child's life. As maturity unfolds, the level of fear diminishes and when the trust and respect of Dad is needed the most, it is absent. Many children begin to look at the world as something they can handle without Dad's advice and wisdom. When there is a genuine trust and respect for the father, a child never fully reaches that point. Instead, Dad is always someone they look to for helpful guidance as long as it is available.

Truly, the role a dad plays in the life of his children is paramount to their future. To build a good, strong, loving relationship with his child, the dad must begin early by treating the relationship as something very special. Strength is very necessary from a father, but without sensitivity, it can have a less than positive influence on a child.

Intro to the blog

This blog is a place to discuss all things related to daddying.
One main goal is to have an open forum about fatherhood and also include relevant information to help empower and strengthen fathers all over the world.

You might come here to gain insight to the general topic of being a dad. However, there will be detailed and specific articles to help target some of the more popular and interesting aspects of fatherhood.

If you are looking for some particular information that is not available, please drop us an email and we'll see that we get it as quickly as possible.